Ruben and I sat side by side under the dappled shade of the wintereye, with the new ferns uncurling around us like butterfly tongues. Far below I could see the cabin, nestled in the crook of the mountain’s elbow.
Without touching, my body was attuned to his every movement, as if my flesh drew towards him. He lifted his arm to point out an eagle circling in the updraught and I smelled him – warm, leathery, male. He looked down at me. “You aren’t watching,” he laughed.
Then he took my chin in his hand, tilted my head up towards him, and kissed me.
***
This piece of writing was for the 100 word (or so) prompt for Madison Woods’ #Fridayfictioneers. I’d be very happy to receive comments and constructive criticism. Click here to read other people’s.
Claire Fuller 
I really liked this – it had a very personal feel to it, I almost felt like I was intruding. On the other hand, I thought ‘proboscises’ was a cumbersome word that halted the flow for me, and though it was graphic in itself, I don’t think the visual that it brought was worth the toll it took on the rhythm of the story. Just my point of view, and it didn’t detract in any way from my enjoyment of a well-written piece.
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Hi Sandra, you make a good point – and that’s why it’s so useful to have someone read. I put proboscises in and out, in and out, and finally in! Do you think it would read better if it was ‘butterfly tongues’ – not technically correct, but a nicer word – and of course, works with the idea of kissing! I would really like your opinion.
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I know exactly the image you’re trying to create here, (I love ferns) but I suppose to be strictly accurate it should be butterfly antennae rather than tongues. That doesn’t sound very romantic though. I think a closer analogy would be lizards’ tongues, but that’s not very enticing either. If I get any better inspiration I’ll get back to you.
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I agree with Sandra that it was very personal and intimate. I liked the “crook of the mountain’s elbow” but wondered what a wintereye is. I tried to look it up, but didn’t find anything. I’m assuming it’s a type of tree, but you know what they say about assume. 🙂
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I’m pleased you assumed it was a tree. You’re right. It’s the narrator’s word for a mountain oak. I could have just used the correct word, but I wanted to see if readers would be able to guess at what a wintereye is.
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Ohh…Picky. Picky. I loved the first paragraph. To me, wintereye meant the “first flush of the winter sun.” Butterfly tongues…meant to me, butterfly wings. **I personally felt those butterfly tongues/wings during my first kiss and it was not a French kiss. “Nestled in the crook of the mountain’s elbow”…one word: lovely. I’m 9 on the list.
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I’m very happy with people being picky. I really appreciate the time it takes to comment on all the amazing pieces of writing out there, but it’s only with feedback that I learn what works for readers and what doesn’t. But I’m equally pleased when people think I’ve got it right – so thanks for your comments. I’ll nip over and take a read of yours.
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A woman’s awakening. The realization that she loved his look, his smell, his manner was spot on. I felt I should turn my back, as if I was seeing something private I shouldn’t see. Loved it.
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I’m glad that it resonated with you. Thanks for reading.
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all the other comments aside, I just felt these lines touching me:
He looked down at me. “You aren’t watching,” he laughed.
Then he took my chin in his hand, tilted my head up towards him, and kissed me.
Ahhhhh. I am a romantic Randy
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Thanks Randy. I’m really pleased it touched you.
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How sweet this is Claire 🙂
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Thanks Raina
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So sweet. Intimate without being explicit. As to the wording, I definitely like “butterfly tongues.” Well done!
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Thanks Jan, I appreciate your opinion.
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that was a fine use of 100 words. I really saw and felt it.
well done
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Thanks for visiting and commenting. I’ll take a look at yours.
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You make it seem like I’m standing there watching the happy couple. 🙂
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What a sweet story. I’ll admit that the butterfly tongues took me out momentarily. But you drew me right back in. I could feel the warmth of the first kiss. I still remember the first time my husband kissed me a very loooong time ago. Thanks for a worthwhile read, Claire.
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Aww. I’m glad it took you back. It was inspired by the first kiss from my partner, although we weren’t in such an idylic location – our kiss kept turning on the carpark security lights!
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I loved all of it. Deeply intimate and wholly engaging. I’ll look out for you next time!
Our two tales are here: http://www.lazuli-portals.com/flash-fiction/two-tales-the-old-mine
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Thanks for your comments Joanna.
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Very tender, and on first read-through the butterfly tongues worked for me, and I guessed correctly at ‘wintereye’. One thing, and probably just me, but I’m not sure about ‘flesh’ in the context of such an otherwise romantic feeling piece. But really, Claire, it’s a beautiful little glimpse of a first kiss.
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Thanks Trudy. I have to admit that ‘flesh’ was another of those words that I wasn’t too sure about, but I didn’t want to use ‘body’ again, and I also wanted to convey that it was a physical thing. This writing thing is tricky.
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