Flora lay on her back with her legs and eyes open. Over the boy’s shoulder, branches and leaves swayed to the rhythm of the sea breeze. She focused on a bright mark on a tree trunk until the boy had finished. It was the afterwards time she did it for, when she could lie with someone’s arms around her.
Later, after she had taken the boy and his tattoos home to shock her father, she returned to the tree and hacked at the bright spot with a penknife until what had been hidden there dropped into her palm.
***
For those who don’t know how Friday Fictioneers works, this picture (this time supplied by John Nixon) is our inspiration for our weekly online writing group hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. Click here to read other people’s amazing stories or to join in. And please comment below with any suggestions for improvement on mine.
Claire Fuller 
Claire, what a beautifully written but ultimately very sad story. I think there are probably far to many girls who do this very thing. But I’m still wondering what the tooth has to do with it. I’ve come up with a variety of probably improbably explanations but am too dim today (or maybe ever) to come to a satisfactory conclusion. Perhaps there isn’t one. If you’re so inclined, please put me out of my mental misery.
janet
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Oh dear, I’m sorry if I caused you mental misery. And the answer is… I just wanted to put in something a bit odd, something that made readers go ‘eh? what?’. So I suppose in that sense it worked. The tooth idea just popped into my head so I popped it in. I think it does leave it open for something else beyond the story, which is what I always like to do. But maybe it the tooth is just a little too odd.
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That was a bit too open for me; I think my brain fell out. But at least I hadn’t missed something critical to the story, such as the tree eating other couples or… Phew! Glad I was on the right track.
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I think the purpose of her action was the shock to here father.. I like the fact you have created the character as a little bit distanced from herself.. and the hacking of the tree… seems to me she might be hacking out a memory of the act… like the spot of sunshine would not hunt here any longer… this piece made me think a lot..
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Oh, I love that reason Bjorn. It’s great when readers start inventing their own parts to the story.
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I liked the ambiguity involved in digging something of symbolic value out of the tree. It opens up the possibility of a sequel, and is intriguing enough to make me want to read that sequel.
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Thanks Jan. I think this snippet will go in the novel I’m writing. I’m still working out where the tooth comes in though.
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A powerful piece, almost shocking. You certainly achieved the desired effect with the ‘tooth’. I brought up short with ‘eh?’ 🙂
The girl’s detachment from both the boy and her father was truly quite disturbing.
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Thanks Sandra. It made me go ‘eh?’ too. She is a bit cold, isn’t she, Flora.
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At least she seems to enjoy the cuddling afterwards, though it looks like she only did it in the first place to shock her dad. That’s quite sad.
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It is a sad little tale. Where’s the love, that’s what I’d like to know…
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All too common these days, I fear 😦
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Claire, this piece is deeply moving. I’ve known and worked with these girls. The sense of detachment and distance in that first bit is really captures the girl’s emotional inner world. Excellent!
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I’m glad I got it right then! I do feel sorry for her.
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i don’t know what to make of it, i mean, the tooth. loss of innocence perhaps?
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It could be, especially if it was a milk (baby) tooth.
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Somehow, Claire, your writing has the power to hypnotize me. There’s some sort of magic to it. Engrossing story to say the least.
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Aw Linda, what a lovely thing to say. Thank you very much. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Claire
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Seems she doesn’t like herself or her father very much. This is well written and though provoking, the ‘tooth’ idea was a good one, left the reader to decide. Well done
Dee
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Thanks Dee. I agree – she’s got a lot of sorting out to do . Claire
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A picture of a troubled little cookie. Hope she sorts it out when her hormonal levels return to normal. Great description of the situation.
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Thanks Sorchia. Certainly a troubled girl.
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Tooth in a tree? Reminds me of Yann Martel’s Life of Pi… thanks for the reminder time to read it again!
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Oh yes! I love that book. Perhaps it was in the back of my mind without me realising.
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She needs real love. Not coming from her father! Moving.
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Thanks Patrick. Glad you liked it.
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The story definitely worked, both on the “need for love” aspect, and on the “eh, what?” ending. Always a pleasure to visit. 🙂
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Thanks Joanna, glad you liked it.
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Intriguing end and almost a separate story in itself. A lot packed in the other part though to keep the reader thinking.
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Yes, I’m wondering where the discovery of the tooth will lead.
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A dismal story with a possible spark of hope at the end. How sad it is that some people will go to dangerous and self-depreciating lengths just to gain the attention they desperately need. Great job with such a touching and intriguing piece.
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Thanks for reading and commenting.
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So many problems attributed to just one act, trying to shock her father..maybe even hurt him, distancing herself from her feelings and her own self…the ambiguity is something I marvel at and I am confused by because it leaves a lot of things open to interpretation and other possibilities. Well done 🙂
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I think she definitely doing all those things, but I love that you got so much from it. Thanks for reading. Claire
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All I could think is how old is this girl if she’s still losing teeth? Really effective.
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Hah! I don’t think it’s her tooth.
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🙂
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Definitely had my brain cells working overtime…in a good way. The sexual content was handled very subtly…and yet was pivotal to the story. Not having had a father when I was growing up, this is indeed a sad relationship that is probably true for many young women. And the tooth? Maybe a symbol of childhood lost, but wanting desperately to recover the innocence of that time.
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I think she lost her mother and her father is distant. Certainly a sad situation. I love your interpretation of the tooth – good idea.
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Dear Claire,
It’s sad that so many are that starved for affection. You captured her plight well. Well written as always.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks Rochelle. Glad you liked it.
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I feel she is quite disturbed. The need to shock her father and the quirkiness of the tooth in the bark (a talisman?) suggest she is on the verge of leaving home and finding her own way in life. I fear that she will remain lonely until she learns to drop the barriers that life has forced her to build. True for so many people ….
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I’m pleased that it obviously got you thinking. Flora has a lot of working through things to do yet.
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Wow Claire – this is dark and devilishly good! I guess her father has a collection too? This belongs in a movie or at least a book. Great job! Nan 🙂
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Claire, I especially like “it was the afterwards time she did it for.” Nicely handled. You weave such satisfying stories in so few words.
All my best,
Marie Gail
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