“A winter like this I have not known since I was a child in Germany,” said my mother, her mouth still full of z’s and v’s even after all these years. She shivered and took her gin and tonic back inside.
Oskar rapped his knuckles on the thick ice that had risen like a soufflé out of the garden bucket. Its tap dripped an icicle.
“Would you like some ice with that madam?” he laughed. Oskar turned the handle, twisting hard; his mouth twisting too with the effort. The tap snapped off.
I cried – for the cold, for the homesickness, but mostly for the waste of a bucket.
This piece of writing was for the 100 word (or so) prompt for Madison Woods’ #Fridayfictioneers. I’d be very happy to receive comments and constructive feedback.
:I liked how you described the German accent and the souffle simile in particular. Very nice!
The souffle one took longer to think up than the story took to write. Thanks for visiting
Oh, to cry over a bucket…sounds like someone who grew up in hard times. Nice little story.
Visiting from Friday Fictioneers
Thanks Carrie. That was the impression I was trying to convey. I’m pleased it worked.
I like the contrast between the pragmatism of the mother and the emotionalism of the daughter.
I didn’t write that consciously, but I agree it’s there. Thanks for commenting.
Yes, I agree, crying over a bucket says it all.
Scott
Thanks for your comment Scott
Her mouth full of z’s and v’s…nice description of the German accent. Reminded me of my Polish/Yiddish grandfather.
I had a debate last night with my partner whether this description made her sound Polish rather than German, but I couldn’t find a way to be more specific. Thanks for your comment.
Polish? German? Lot of similarities in the accent. We used to chuckle at the way Grandpa said “Wolksvagen.” I think that’s common to both. I think ze description vorks either vay.
hard and brittle, like the weather, like all but the narrator… nicely done
Thanks for visiting and your comment.
brrr cold! Great scene, and the ice souffle..I really enjoyed the read. Thanks Claire for sharing!
Thanks for your comment. Glad you liked it.
Some brilliant phrases in this, and the description of the accent was excellent. Enjoyed this.
http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/sweet-water-friday-fictioneers-july-2012/
Thanks for your comment Sandra. I enjoyed yours too.
Unique and original. Loved the German accent. Nice work
Thanks Lora. I’ll come and have a look at yours shortly.
Claire
Dear Claire,
Your story was multi-layered and a rich feast for the senses. I’ll fix the bucket for you. Thanks.
Aloha,
Doug
Hah! Thanks Doug. You can fix my bucket any time.
Claire
Very original take on the prompt. YOu use some wonderfully descriptive language. I love the way the ice rose like a souffle. I’m on the Fictioneer link list or you can find my post here: http://postcardfiction.com/2012/07/27/drained/
Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks, Claire
An enjoyable short tale.
Some great imagery – my favourite was the ‘thick ice that had risen like a soufflé’.
Then there was the impression you left us of hard times with the crying over a broken bucket.
A great read – thanks.
Thanks for your comments Mike, glad you enjoyed it.
Very descriptive. Drew me in as if I were there.
http://ebooksscifi.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/kingdom-come-by-ilyan-kei-lavanway-for-madison-woods-friday-fictioneers-100-word-flash-fiction/
Thanks Ilyan. I’ve just been to visit yours – loved it.
Easily one of my favorites this week, with so many nice turns of language – the grandmother’s mouth full of z’s and v’s, the ice rising like a souffle and the double twisting. Really enjoyed it!
Brian (http://pinionpost.com/2012/07/27/sugartooth/)
Thanks Brian. That’s very nice of you to say so.