Dr Elliott never disclosed any secrets, not even to those closest to him. He simply stored them away. In his final hours he wanders through the rooms in his mind.
Go there now, feeling your way in the dark, stumbling down unfamiliar steps, fingers following the rhythm of wood panelling. Fumble for the filing cabinet – unlocked, ready for your visit. Pull on the handle, hear how well-oiled Dr Elliott keeps it. A beam in the dark – a torch; its light flickering; the batteries fading. It highlights manila files: Hepworth, Agnes; Hepworth, Samuel; Hewer, Rebecca; Hewer, William. Dr Elliott’s mind trembles and the torch stutters. Dr Elliott heard two decades of William Hewer’s secrets and now his file is open in your hand. You shine the torch on the yellowing photograph: your son, aged five – blonde, pale, confused. There is a pain in your heart remembering the day it was taken. You blink and the torch blinks with you. Tap it against your palm, it pulses once, twice and turns off. Batteries dead.
***
This was inspired by the picture prompt provided by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields for Friday Fictioneers 100 word (or in this case 175 word) writing group.
I’d love to receive comments and constructive criticism. Click here to read other people’s stories inspired by this picture, provided by Sean Fallon.
I really enjoyed this, there’s a terrific atmosphere about the piece. I’ve read it three times now, and I’ve still not really understood the POV. The switch between Dr Elliott, and the second person singular is bugging me and making me feel I’m not quite getting the best out of this. The pace, however, is terrific, and the moment of death (I’m assuming) is very well put across. A lot of potential in this, Claire. Really well done.
Hmm, – there two POVs deliberately, but I take your point that the boundary is not clear. I’m going to put a line break in between the two – hopefully that will help. Thanks for your comments Sandra
what is the aim or gain from the two pov’s? why not just keep with one?
I could try to give you a fancy literary answer, but the truth is that that’s how it went down on paper and then I liked it, so I kept it. I saw the first part like an introduction – a means of getting across more information than I could if the whole piece was second person – the man is secretive, he has a lot of stuff bottled up inside, he’s dying and thinking about it all. I could have just kept it all in third person, but I’ve never written in second person before and wanted to see what happened.
nothing wrong with second person. think about the whole thing without a shift. i’d be interested in the fancy literary answer.
Ok, fancy literary answer: I like using these short pieces for experimentation – something that there isn’t really space for in my longer WIP. In my MA class we’ve been looking at point of view and particulary Ulysses by James Joyce. In the middle of a paragraph we are suddenly inside Leopold’s head, with his thoughts and feelings and then just as suddenly pop back again. I liked how it worked and was interested to see if I could do it too. I’ve also recently read ‘On a Winter’s Night a Traveller’ – completely in the second person. I’m not convinced it is possible to sustain that POV in a complete novel, but worth playing around with and mixing it up.
i greatly appreciate that extended version. i’m not a fan of 2nd person and wouldn’t know how to even approach it, but i congratulate those who try. i’m not a fan of anything that causes a reader to have to stop and “think” extra because i might distract from the enjoyment of the story, like when writers go out of their way and dust off the thesaurus in order to find other ways of writing, “blah blah blah,” she said. i’m not impressed by “responded” “retorted” or all the other versions. for me, make the dialogue stronger and you can just use “said” without working so hard. i very much hate when i see “blah blah blah,” she lied. i probably can’t go a day without that appearing somewhere.
I couldn’t agree more, with the “she exclaimed”s. And I don’t think a piece is working if it takes the reader ‘out’ of the story, but unless you show things to readers that you hope are working and ask for feedback how will you ever know if they are? This piece seemed to work for some and not for others. I don’t think I’ll ever be writing something longer in the second person, but mixing POVs might work if handled well.
this is certainly a good place to experiment, yes.
Hi Claire,
Wow, think this coud be the start of a terrific story. As is, it’s just a tease, but an alluring one. Read the exchange about POV. I’m not bothered by the shift, but I’ve done similar things and had similar objections voiced. I totally agree with you that these short fictions are great for experimenting with writing ideas. Ron
Thanks Ron. I also really like the discussion – it’s useful to hear lots of opinions – after all, it would be nice one day to have lots of readers…
I think this litterary experiment worked great. At least to the extent that it painted a story inside my head. I am not sure it was the one you intended. But as a reader I feel thrilled about thus being part of the creation.
As long as it paints some kind of story for you, that means it’s working for me.
This is intriguing. Is there a secret regarding the son that the second person has no idea of? Very interesting shift in the perspective. My reading of it:
Dr Elliott is taking a wander through his mind. So shift into second person is author taking us into his mind in a directive way.
Then we shift back out of mind and into reality, but a new reality from another perspective of a parent looking their son, a case Dr Elliott was involved in.
We end on a dead battery, possibly Dr Elliott’s reality of death reflected in the reality of the person investigating their son’s death, also killing off the reader’s path into knowledge, so second person delivery is the author acknowledging this.
If you get rid of the third line in first paragraph about Elliott wandering in his mind’s rooms you lose the figurative nature of second person but you get more of a mystery case, someone searching through his files as he lies dying. What answers are they looking for?
Great story.
Because it was written fast in response to the picture there wasn”t a particularly clear plan, but I did have some ideas for what may be happening and I’m pleased to say that you picked up on them:
I think Dr Elliott is on his death bed. I think he may have been some kind of psychoanalyst, maybe dealing with troubled children, but I’m not sure. He’s thinking about all his previous patients.
The author (me I suppose!), invites ‘you’ to enter Dr Elliott’s mind. Of course, that isn’t actually possible, but somehow in this story is it. So ‘you’ enters, Dr Elliott has been expecting her; knows that this person will come looking for information on their child, William. She finds the file with the help of her torch, but as Dr Elliott at last dies, the torch flickers and goes out. What secrets William gave to Dr Elliott are never revealed.
I agree with Bjorn’s comment. I like the feel of the piece; I like filling in the blanks as part of my process as the reader.
Thanks Jan. I’m pleased that you didn’t mind having to work a little bit harder than normal.
I liked it as is. It did cause me to back and read it two more times to make sure I was getting all I could get out of it.
Thanks, it was a fun piece of experimentation. Glad you liked it.
How sad. Batteries dead like his son? Not sure where this was going, but it’s a great hook. Still keeps me guessing.
Glad it kept you guessing. Me too!
This piece had texture and tone that came across well. I did get a little confused in one or two places with POV. Nonetheless a worthy endeavor. Good to see you, Claire. 🙂
Thanks Rochelle and thanks for hosting Friday Fictioneers.
I think you conveyed well the way he’s wandering in his mind. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t follow the wandering very well but perhaps that’s how he felt, too. I do think putting in the break helped.
It has been useful getting all this feedback – it seemed to work for some and not so well for others – but fun to try.
You don’t grow, as a writer or otherwise, unless you try…and that sometimes means failing or at least, realizing that what you want to do needs works.
I’ve never thought, how someone like a doctor must feel knowing all the ills and suffering patients have had over the years. Maybe, it is tempered by the good the doctor has done… and maybe not.
I’m not sure if he is a good doctor or not… Thanks for reading Ted.
I enjoyed this, and the discussion about the pov was insightful. Being inside someone’s thoughts is almost like sharing a secret. I agree this made me want to read more.
Thanks. I think there’s a bit in Silence of the Lambs when Hannibal Lecter talks about the memory palaces in his mind – rooms that he can wander into. Creepy, but that’s what I was thinking about.
Fascinating piece! The batteries/light/dark/life/death works for me throughout regardless of the point of view. Yep, you could write a longer version or a sequel or two.
Thanks Perry, glad you felt you got something from it.