Short story: Fireworks

fireworks-lora-mitchell2

“Wow,” he said, still out of breath as he rolled off her. “That really blew my mind. Fireworks or what!” He put his arm around her. “Did the earth move for you too?” All she felt was overwhelming disappointment. He hadn’t kissed her sloppily, or undressed her as if he was a hungry puppy, like the last boyfriend. He had been loving and patient, and although she hadn’t reached that elusive orgasm, it had gone well, for a first time. But she knew already she wouldn’t be seeing him again. His use of clichés was positively indecent.

***

This piece of writing was inspired by the picture prompt provided by Lora Mitchell for the Friday Fictioneers writing group run by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. We all attempt to write 100 words (or so) and this week I’m slightly under. Although Rochelle asked us to suggest the genre in our title, I prefer, at least in these short pieces for people to make up their own mind. So, literary fiction? humour? erotica? You tell me…

I’d love to receive comments and constructive criticism. Click here to read other people’s stories inspired by this picture or to join in.

33 thoughts on “Short story: Fireworks

  1. I’m almost afraid to comment lest it be a cliche. 🙂 Everyone has their standards and this might be a good one for writers. An unusual take done well. After reading it, I felt the earth move under my feet and the sky come tumbling down. (I just couldn’t leave well enough alone…etc.)

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  2. Shiver me timbers! Exactly…he’s really creepy. I agree that what is said, whispered, murmured is almost everything..at least it is for me. Well-written, cold, empty feeling – brought on by the good writing and topic…well done!

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  3. As a little vignette this works fine.

    But thinking a little deeper, there has to be a backstory.
    If he is so cliche-prone that she’ll drop him for THAT reason alone
    Then why didn’t she notice it before they had gone so far?

    The thing I see is that she’s the one using him
    And that makes her the villain.

    Cheers!
    JzB

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    • You’ve certainly got a point – surely she must have noticed the cliches before she got into bed with him. It could be that she’s the villain, or it could simply be that she really liked him, but always had some doubts which she tried really hard to overlook, but it was only when she got to this point that she realised that he wasn’t the man for her. Weak, but not a villain.
      Thanks for your comments.

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  4. Perfect use of Fireworks… I thought it was corny when he said it, and your punchline proved it. I could not imagine this being labeled ‘erotica’, or being offensive to anyone… more description, maybe. I got a very human story with a funny ending. Well written.

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  5. when i was in middle school, my friend received a love letter from a boy i had a crush on. so, i stole it, corrected all the grammar, and gave it a c-. us lit chix have to stick together.

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  6. Thanks for your comments Rochelle. I’m just worried that by labelling we’re getting too close to possible censorship. Literary fiction, romance, historical drama – all these genres could have the same level of sexual content as my story – so, as I said above, I don’t want to decide or label these short pieces. And finally, who’s to say what is offensive. There are some overtly religious pieces this week, which, as an atheist I find almost offensive, but I would never suggest that they be labelled so that I don’t have to read them. The writing in them could be truely excellent, so despite their subject matter it would be a joy to read them.

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  7. Now, ya’ll don’t be too hard on that ol’ boy. Maybe he didn’t get no good schoolin’
    This story didn’t have enough gruntin’, pantin’, and “Oh, my Gods” to be erotica,
    but I liked it just the same.

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  8. What a great, cutting edge story for Friday Fictioneers. I love it.
    I was aroused by it – it was crisp (no sloppy kisses or hungry puppy dog words here).
    I related – and have been there, knowing there wouldn’t be another time because the person had not turned out to be who or what I thought they were. Awkward, sad. Sometimes happening in bed – sometimes not.
    Nice, spicy , hot, and telling….without telling us how to feel.
    Randy

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  9. Haha! That rocked! That was really good. For what I thought I saw coming initially, you turned around quite effortlessly. My favorite: “His use of clichés was positively indecent.” Lol. Very colorful and honest. Seems this little girl might have a wild streak in her!

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