Ruben’s hair is flattened to his head by the rain and I ask him again why our car couldn’t have a roof. Ruben snarls at me like the dog we had, the one that drowned when the water came in our house. I can’t remember the dog’s name, but I watched him from the attic window. He floated away like a dirty rug, out the door and down the street, bumping into the chairs and suitcases and people that were swept away too. Ruben says that if I don’t stop whining he’ll leave me behind, so I’m quiet while the engine coughs and Ruben curses.
***
This piece of writing is part of the Friday Fictioneers writing group. Each week writers from around the world attempt to write 100 words (or so) starting with a picture, this week from Beth Carter.
I’d love to receive comments and constructive criticism. Click here to read other people’s stories inspired by this picture or to join in, with the group hosted by Rochelle Wishoff-Fields.
The imagery here is absolutely gorgeous!
Thanks Bee, glad you enjoyed it.
Claire
Your poor narrator – such a sharp eye for her? his? world, and so few options.
Yes, I have been rather hard on her this time, but she’s a good observer – she’ll survive. Thanks for commenting.
Claire
This is brilliantly written and very different from anything else I’ve read. I really enjoyed it.
Thanks for commenting. Pleased you enjoyed it.
Claire
Wow. So bleak, yet engaging. Good job!
I’m pleased you felt that. That was the tone I was going for.
Claire
He floated away like a dirty rug. Very powerful image.
The poor dog… Thanks for commenting,
Claire
Great descriptions.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Claire
My favorite so far. This is really well done. Congratulations. Great imagery, engaging characters and story.
Oh, that’s a very kind thing to say. I’m glad it worked for you.
Claire
Very graphic… those images will stay with me. Well done.
Thanks Sandra. No nightmares though I hope.
Claire
Well done. Like this a lot. Came across real.
Thanks. I hope none of us ever have to face it in reality.
Claire
I’m afraid too many women do.
I like your comparison to the dog and the little flashback about it. Reuben sounds like a real piece of work. We can only hope he goes the way of the dog sooner rather than later!
janet
Thanks Janet. I think the narrator might need Ruben. I see the narrator as a child, and she doesn’t have many options left.
Claire
Hi Claire, this is very powerful, her choices seem very limited, or perhaps it’s just that the spirit has been beaten out of her – but I hope she finds a way to escape him.
Thanks Trudy. I was seeing it as post-apocalyptic, and the narrator (a child) doesn’t have many options left, except Ruben.
Claire
Very good writing. She needs to get out before she suffocates.
Thanks. I think Reuben might be her only option at this stage. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Claire
one of my favorites this week. powerful writing with images that stick. this one especially, “He floated away like a dirty rug, out the door and down the street, bumping into the chairs and suitcases and people that were swept away too.”
Beautiful writing Claire.
Thanks! It’s always nice when someone appreciates your writing, but it means even more when it comes from someone who writes as well as I think you do.
Claire
Dear Claire,
I feel the need to wrap myself in a fluffy, warm bath towel after reading. Great imagery. Reuben’s all wet in more ways than one. Good job!
Shalom,
Rochelle
Hope I didn’t disturb you too much Rochelle. Thanks for commenting,
Claire
This reminded me of “Of Mice and Men”. I’d say that was a good thing.
That’s a great compliment!
Thanks,
Claire
The description of the dog looking like a rug and that whole sentence of the flood was great. This is kind of scary, like the start of an apocalypse.
Thanks Ted. You got it right again. To me it’s definitely post- apolcalyptic – rain that has devastated everything; limited choices for the child narrator; cars that are cobbled together.
Claire
Very nice imagery. I like the move from the concrete-and-now to the stream-of-consciousness-and-then and back.
Thanks, I pleased it worked for you.
Claire
this is a good example of something i like to do, in which you take the “essence” of the picture and create something without being too literal to what you see. i like that because it gives more freedom. well done.
in this line – “Ruben’s hair is flattened to his head by the rain…” i want to show you another way of writing it: “The rain flattened Ruben’s hair to his head…” it saves two words, but that’s not the important part. the important part is that the first version is what’s called “passive,” where the subject of the sentence doesn’t do anything. it just sits there while something does something TO it. most readers enjoy the feeling of “active” sentences, when the subject DOES something instead of just sitting there. in the second version, the rain is doing the flattening. it is active. in the first version, the hair (the subject) just sits there and gets rained on.
i’m not saying it should always go that way, but it is usually a better way.
You’ve caught me out! Writing in the passive voice is something I’m often guilty of and you’d think I should remember by now to check my work for it before posting. My only excuse is that I got carried away with the voice of the narrator – that passive construction felt, to me, how she would think it. Perhaps because all this stuff has happened to her – the rain, the dead dog, her escape, and unlikely salvation by Ruben, rather than being a force in her own right.
I really appreciate the feedback – it always helps.
Claire
wow Claire – this was so full of despair I could feel my emotions drop. Nicely told.
Sorry to make you unhappy! But that’s what I was aiming for. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Claire
Excellent read, I think it’s my favorite this week. I like how you fit the story about the dog, really unimportant in itself, but still tells a lot. Great great
That’s so kind of you Bjorn – especially knowing there are so many excellent pieces each week. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Claire
I don’t like Ruben, but I do like your descriptions, especially of the dog floating away like a rug. There’s so much emotion and feeling implicit in this piece.