He adjusted his binoculars to bring the house into focus as he had done a thousand mornings. He watched the girl on the roof in ragged shorts hanging out washing. He liked it best when she bent over the basket.
Later she was at the kitchen window, working hard – preparing vegetables, cooking, washing up. She never ate with the family; always alone on the fenced-in balcony and quickly, looking over her shoulder. Scared.
The next morning the man of the house was painting the balcony wall.
He focused his binoculars and could just make out the letters H E L before they too, were gone.
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For those who don’t know how Friday Fictioneers works, this picture, this time from Bjorn Rudberg, is our inspiration for our weekly online writing group hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. Each story is only about 100 words long, so why not read a few others: click here to read some more or to join in.
And please comment below with any suggestions on mine, or just to show you’ve visited.
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I’m very excited to let you know that one of my short stories – Baker, Emily and Me – has won the BBC Radio 4 Opening Lines competition, which means it will be read out on Radio 4 on 29th August at 3:45 BST. So do listen out for it and let me know what you think. For those readers not in the UK, it will be up on the BBC website for a week afterwards.
Great story. I love to see this as something longer. And congrats on the winning story!
Thanks, glad you liked it.
Claire
Great story, Claire. You do a great job of creating intrigue and tension in only a few words.
Also, congratulations on the recent win. Will you provide a link to the webcast of the show once it airs? I’d love to hear it!
All my best,
Marie Gail
Thanks, glad you liked it. And yes, I’ll post a link after my story is broadcast.
Claire
Creepy! 😀
Hi… hope you can provide a link to the website next week.. a big congratulation from me…
This story is a little bit like a beginning to “Rear Window” isn’t it… ?
I would love a seuel
Thanks Bjorn, and thanks for the inspiring picture. Perhaps I’ll go to Madeira one day. And I love Rear Window – one of my favourite films.
Claire
At first I thought ‘hello’ but then realised it wasn’t. A chilling story. Five stars.
I’ll try and catch the programme. It’s in my diary. I checked their website and see that one of my Macclesfield writing group is on the long list. Her stuff is good so that says something for your work. Congrats.
Glad you liked it. Hope to see your name on the list next year..?
Claire
Congratulations.
the letters before they were all erased could mean a friendly HELLO, a plea for HELP, or simply HELL.
Oh, definitely ‘help’ I think. She’s in trouble.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Claire
Interesting, as i started I thought scary, then domestic, then uncomfortable, then very scary. All in so few words!
Thanks Hilary. Did your garden suffer from the storms today? I’m not sure where you’re based. We had massive wind and rain today.
Claire
Good story, Claire. This puts him, and us, in an awkward position. What will he do? What would we do? Very clever.
Congratulations on your win! I’ll catch it on the website.
It’s tricky isn’t it? One of those situations where you wouldn’t know exactly what to do. But then hopefully we wouldn’t be spying on her with binoculars in the first place!
Claire
I really loved this story. It left so much for me to ponder after I’d finished reading … the dilemma! Well done and congratulations also.
Thanks Maree, for reading, commenting and the congratulations.
Claire
Oh! Now what? Great piece, Claire – such a smooth flow to it.
Congratulations on your win 🙂
Ellespeth
I’m not sure he’s a nice guy; I suspect he wouldn’t do anything.
Thanks for reading.
Claire
Dear Claire,
It took me a second look to get HEL and what was going on. I hope the man with the binoculars will rescue her. Nicely done as always.
I’ve missed you the past couple of weeks. But it sounds like I was right in my assumption that you were off doing more important literary things. I’ll look forward to hearing the BBC broadcast online.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Other literary things are never more important than Friday Fictioners. I’ve just been busy and on holiday. Thanks for your comments, and it’s nice to be missed!
Claire
Intriguing story, a chance discovery by the peeping Tom, what happens next is up to our imagination. Congratulations on the winning story, please do give us a link.
Thanks, glad you liked it.
Claire
Claire – well done! The binocular man seemed creepy to begin with (I still believe he is) but maybe he will be able to help the girl.
I fear he might be too late. Glad you liked the story.
Claire
This has topical undertones Claire, though I’m not sure the observer sounds to be a much better option than the captor. Nicely done, and congratulations.
I think you’re right. Thanks Sandra.
Claire
Yeah, I thought HELL first too, and then realized HELP. Either could have applied to the poor girl I’m guessing. Great story!
Hell would do it too perhaps. Thanks for reading.
Claire
That’s great a Peeping Tom coming to the imagined rescue of a captive a girl in ragged shorts bending over a laundry basket…
or was she enjoying being ogled and painted Hello and her name and number on the wall to which her husband, knowing her voyeuristic instincts, quickly painted over it before it could get her into trouble – again.
good story. Randy
I think she was a domestic slave, looking for help. But not sure what happened to her.
Thanks for reading.
Claire
What’s a matter with you. Why don’t you follow up on these things.
Don’t you want to help your fellow human beings.
Are you a retreatist, or what?
I think I going to paint a sign on the wall of my house pointing to yours, one that says, Don’t look to her. She won’t help.”
Ok, ok, I’m going over there now…
much better. 😉
Oh hell that was unsettling. It comes to something when your only chance of escape is the pervert eyeing you up. I just hope he’s intelligent and selfless enough to act on what he’s seen.
Congratulations on the Radio 4 story. I will be listening.
Thanks Sarah Ann. I love it when a story unsettles a reader. The best kind of comment.
Claire
I loved this story, and I love that I had to stop and think about that last bit, then re-read it – I love being an active reader, and I love being confronted when I read, too. Uncomfortable truths, invigorating. It’s a great concept, I might try it privately – would love to use it in an English class.
Congrats on the win, too!
Feel free to use the idea! I too love it when a story makes me think and work things out. Being an ‘active reader’ – great phrase!
Claire
Incredible what a woman of low economic standing has to endure. it’s hardly fantastic for the more secure among us. No way out for her. The man within is a problem and so is the man without. Nowhere she can go for safety. One can guess what happened to her. Very, very chilling story. People don’t realise. Congrats on the win and go from strength to strength.
You expressed it all so very well. A terrible situation.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Claire
Scary and compelling story, Claire… I was drawn in and then terrified, as I too watched through the binoculars.
MAZEL on the BBC gig!! That is really incredible; I’m so excited for you! Way to knock it out of the park!
I’ve never had anyone ‘mazel’ me before! Thank you!
Claire
Mazel is good. As is good luck.
What you don’t want is shle-mazel. Oy. 😉
Glad I’m your first! It’s kind of my signature 😉
Great story with a tight, high-impact ending. I could feel myself wanting to add the last letter. It reminded me of the end to 28 days later, one of those haunting images that stays with you. I hope they wind up okay.
Thanks, I’m glad you liked it.
Claire
Claire, Congratulations on having a winning story!. I’ll check on that when I get the link. Good and scary story. I hope she’s saved from that situation. It sounds like she’s a slave in that house. Well written as always. 🙂 —Susan
Loved this Claire, so topical given the news stories recently, well done.
Congratulations too on your winning story will certainly listen out for it.
Dee