First I knew, text didn’t send. Searching, phone said. Nothing to worry about, right? Then someone’s conversation cut out.
Five minutes later damn train slowed and stopped. Took a while for even that to register. I learnt that people will sit in silence for a long time before complaining.
‘Daddy, why we stopped in the middle of nowhere?’
Guard didn’t come. No announcement.
Three hours ‘til we broke into the driver’s compartment.
After a day buffet car’s kitchen was as empty as the scenery.
Two days – search party left; didn’t never come back.
Took us a week to finish the water…
***
This is a 100-word(ish) story for Friday Fictioneers brought to us by the wonderful writer Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and the picture this week is supplied by the writer, Jennifer Pendergast. Click here to join in with Friday Fictioneers, or here to read other people’s.
***
Last week I was delighted to learn that my novel, Our Endless Numbered Days, has been longlisted for the Desmond Elliott Prize – a UK prize for debuts novels.
A book blogger at Word By Word is running a competition to win a copy of Our Endless Numbered Days. Anyone anywhere in the world can enter and it closes on 12th April.
I love the way you capture the scene without explaining the cause, just as it would have been for those on the train. The fact that there is a child among the stranded passengers adds another layer of goosebumps. I loved the line ” buffet car’s kitchen was as empty as the scenery.”
Congratulations on being longlisted for the Desmond Elliott Prize 🙂
Thanks Siobhan. Glad you liked it.
Claire
The end is nigh and, of course, there’s no telling where you might be when it arrives.
Good take on the prompt.
Yep. I’m not sure they’re going to get out of this one alive.
Nice piece. I really like the gradual reveal of what’s happened.
Thanks. Glad you liked it.
Dear Claire,
You set the stage beautifully without saying much. Desolate and wonderfully done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
PS I’m up to my eyeballs in edits, as I’m sure you understand. I haven’t even finished reading and commenting on last week’s stories. 😉
It is really hard to fit everything in! I didn’t manage to get around to an FF last week. Good luck with the edits!
Now that you mention it, I see that you didn’t post a story. ^^’
A lot going on these days. I love watching your novel’s well deserved progress. I plan on getting a copy of my own in the not too distant future.
Really great storytelling, an effective countdown of sorts
Thanks Jan!
Loved the terse sentence construction, and having the child in there was a nice balancer too. Well done on your success too.
Thanks Sandra!
I love clipped sentences i this, that gives a particular rhythm to the story.
Thank you! Glad you liked it. I was trying to get a particular tone of voice, but of course it all helps with the word count!
Very apocalyptic. A scary thought, to be trapped like this. Great story.
Yep – scary. I have no idea what happened to the rest of the world…
I too like the crisp wording you used to create the scene. Nice!
Thank you! Glad you liked it.
My impression was that your story was a commentary on the disconnect of the youth of our time. Previous to loosing her connection she had been so busy texting, that she hasn’t realized she’s no longer with the living. (The part about the search party leaving was what made me think she was dead.) Am I close?
Oh, I was thinking it was a completely literal story! They are stuck on a train in the middle of nowhere, with no communication with the outside world. What would you do?
DOH!
Claire, it was the search party that confused me, but now I understand! 🙂
Maybe search party is the wrong word – since they were leaving the train to go looking for people or water. But I’m not sure what other word would be right?
Intriguing because you tell us so little but leave a little trail of breadcrumbs for us to follow where we wish. I must admit I found the lack of articles a bit distracting but I get that it’s a voice. Well done on the rize nom for Our Endless Numbered Days too!
Thanks Jen – and for the wonderful picture. The lack of articles was for the voice and the word count!
Like the way this is written i.e. the telegram style prose (short, abrupt). Makes you think, how long would you wait? A week would probably do for me 🙂
Yes. I was talking to my husband about this. How long would people wait before doing something – probably a lot longer than we like to think.
I like the way you wrote this, like a list being ticked off, one by one.
Thank you! Glad you liked it.
Claire
I get the feeling nothing good will come of this. (Somehow I could hear wind blowing, too.)
Yes, I don’t think it’s going to end well.
Sounds like the chilling openning page of a thriller novel! Well done!
Hah! Trouble is, I have no idea what comes next!
I like the voice you used for this piece, and the line “After a day buffet car’s kitchen was as empty as the scenery” is brilliant.
A very chilling scene you have painted here!
Thank you! Glad you liked it.
Claire,
this is well told but now I feel like writing the rest of it. This story would serve as a great prompt for a “finish the story” type of prompt, although it would probably stretch out to novel length at least. I love the mood you spun here.
-David
I might think about using it as a short story. All those characters stuck together… Glad you liked it.
You should. You could really do the idea justice.
Very eerie. Everything stopping, everyone waiting. I like how you described each turn of events, getting worse and worse until…
Yes, until… I’m not sure what!
Dear Claire – CREEPY – Ok, I think she is dead or dying. Creepy but very, very well written. Nan 🙂
I don’t see that at all. I wrote it quite literally, that they’re stuck on a train. But I’m very happy for readers to take it any way they like.
One of our sons recently passed a car on the highway with a bumper sticker that read “Texting and Driving”. sure enough, she was texting while driving. The bumper sticker should had read “Texting and Dying”.
Your story is well written, and yes, I think she is dying. By the way, love the use of crispy sentences.
I don’t really get the dying comments, but that’s fine. Not good at all to text and drive.
I love the way you describe things going wrong, bit by bit, and also that it’s left to our imagination as to exactly what has happened. Is it just the train, or the whole world?
Very good!
Gotta be the whole world. Else there would be another train along that same track before a week was up.
Yep – you’re right. I like to wonder how long people would take before doing something.
Yes, it’s good sometimes to leave things open. Thanks for reading.
Claire
I loved the trail you left, nothing said but everything told, fab as usual 🙂 Big congrats on your great news as well 🙂
Thanks Helen. Glad you liked it.
Claire
An ominous drip, drip drip story. Very effective.
Thanks Hilary.
Claire your writing seems so effortless in this, especially “After a day buffet car’s kitchen was as empty as the scenery.” Love it.
Ah, thanks Amy. This one came fairly easily, just some tweaking required.
Dear Claire,
This is my favorite kind of story. Pluck us from a world of banal normalcy and place us in extremes in strange circumstances, then watch how we react. Of course i will survive no matter what gets thrown my way, but woe to everyone else as you pick them off by ones and threes. A lovely interrupted journey. What, if you please, happens next?
Aloha,
Doug
I reckon you’d definitely survive Doug. And what happens next? That’s up to your imagination.
Punchy little nightmare here. Shivers down spine etc.
Thanks Patrick.
Oh, and I finished the book. A real page turner. Had me really going right up to that amazing denouement.
Fantastic! So pleased you enjoyed it! (Now, if you ever fancy leaving a review on Amazon…)
Fabulous story this week, Claire. I’m amazed at the way you continue to deliver such superb prose on a regular basis.
Congrats on all the wonderful things happening for you these days. Enjoy every moment.
All my best,
Marie Gail
Thanks Marie Gail. Glad you liked it.
It’s stories like this one that make you one of my favorite FF writers to read… desolate and chilling, just like the story. “Took us a week to finish the water…” gave me chills.
Huge mazel for all the exciting attention your book is getting. I loved it! The characters have been following me around since I finished it. So excited for you, Claire!
Thanks so much Dawn, and glad you liked OEND (if you ever fancy writing a review on Amazon that would be much appreciated – apparently it’s all about ‘discoverability’!)
I absolutely will! I have been waiting for my book group to meet (the 20th) so I can get more feedback… but I’ll write one sooner, and then encourage them to all write one too! 😉
I’d forgotten that. Do feel free to wait until your group meets. And don’t forget to email me if anyone has any questions.
Nothing like waiting on a train, forever…
Hah! At least in England you’re never far from civilisation.
What a great story! Well written indeed…
Thanks Dale. Glad you liked it.
Claire
Such an interesting story told in so few words, 100 word challenge perfectly executed!
Like other have said, it would be interesting to find out what happens next…
Nearly finished your book, great writing Claire i am enjoying it.
congratulations to you.
Your story conveyed the confusion and emotions humans feel when things go wrong or stop completely so very well. Unsettling.
Randy
I’m so happy for your success Claire.
Stay sane,
Tracey
Powerful story. It reminded me of a caravanning trip we took across Australia from Sydney to Perth. We spent Christmas at Eucla – just a caravan park and garage in the middle of endless miles of desert on one side and ocean on the other. The feelings of disconnectedness and disorientation I felt then are there in your story. Empty places can play havoc with the imagination – and inspire great stories.
Excellent story. The last line was a gut puncher. Death comes swiftly after that.
Great! So open to interpretation about what might have happened, and what is going on in the rest of the world…not that the passengers care, they have their own problems!
How long before they sit in the dining car eating one another?
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It all ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper. Seems all too true… Nice one!