Richie yawned. Pounding head, furry tongue, woolly brain; he’d rather be sleeping. He drove the sweeper out of the depot. He didn’t like today’s route – too many parked cars, but he could do it with his eyes closed, almost.
Fragments of the previous night came back: the club, the dancing…that girl. That girl! He’d been sure she was up for it. He’d spent a fortune on drinks, then when they were on the street she’d changed her mind. Silly cow.
At E48 the machine swept up an object and stopped. Richie sighed and climbed out. Odd, he thought. Right by last night’s club.
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This is a 100-word story for the Friday Fictioneers hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. Click here to read some more inspired by the picture (this week provided by Ceayr) or here to join in and write your own.
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This week I’m a NaNoWrimo Coach, and taking over the organisation’s Twitter account. So if you’re writing 50,000 words in November, search for #NaNoCoach on Twitter, and come and ask me a question.
A girl just loves to be swept off her feet!
Good piece.
Not sure this one did… Thanks Mick
Dear Claire,
Could it be Kismet? Nah…I don’t think so either. 😉 Perhaps Ritchie needs to change his approach. Furry tongue and woolly brain added at least another hundred words. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Thanks, Rochelle.
I’m not sure why the sweeper stopped. Am I being obtuse?
I might be being too cryptic… it ran over the shoe and buggered up the machinery (in other words something bad happened to the girl on the pavement). I’ll see what others think and maybe I’ll need to make it clearer
Yes!
Cryptic, concise, clear.
Clever.
Does that mean, I don’t need to make it clearer? 🙂
No, it’s more than obvious and well done.
Crystal clear and well crafted. Pounding head, furry tongue, woolly brain – what an amazing description.
I don’t have many of those these days, but I do still remember those hangovers.
Uh OH! Makes you wonder…
Good take on the prompt Claire! 🙂
Thanks Courtney. I don’t think whatever happened was good.
No probably not… 🙁
Well written with a good voice. I do think you could be a little clearer about what exactly was on the street. I was thinking it was the girl’s body, not just a shoe.
Ahh, ok. I might have a go at tweaking it. Thank you!
Unless you already have tweaked it wouldn’t. It’s quite clear to me.
Guess he didn’t like her changing her mind. I figured it was the girl who got caught up in the sweeper so your flash fiction worked for m.
Well, it was meant to be just her shoe, not her body! I think all those FF minds just like to run wild!
Love the first two paragraphs. The third didn’t quite work for me, hard to say why. I think I worry about the number of murders in these stories. Seems very easy to kill people in a few words. Not sure if she is dead, but I’m guessing that’s one possibility…either that or she was raped. Whatever outcome it’s a gruesome situation.
Very well done, me thinks. No clarification necessary . Leaves the reader wondering.
Very creepy! Great build up for so few words.
Read this on a tiny screen where the shoe looked like a leaf then saw it properly and it made perfect sense.
I too wonder at times at the number of deaths and amount of violence in FF, but this is clever because of the ambiguity. That grill beneath the shoe freaks me out far more than anything written too explicitly but maybe that’s my warped imagination. Engaging piece.
I know what you mean. If the shoe was just in the gutter that would be bad, but on top of the grille…
Good work, Claire. I like the pace of this. You squeezed a lot into 100 words.
C My only issue might be that you don’t mention what object has stopped the sweeper. With the assistance of the photo prompt, my mind leaped to a shoe immediately, but given other comments here, I’d like to see you clarify this a bit if you can find a way to do so in the 100-word constraint.
As with all the stories I’ve critique this week, my comment here is pointing out but a tiny nit. It is quite fine as is. I thoroughly enjoyed the read.
All my best,
MG
Thanks, MG. That’s really helpful. I’ve clarified it as a shoe (although it’s made it a bit longer, but what’s a couple of words between friends?)
Perhaps he blacked out. It’s been known to happen.
Maybe he just left her on the street and she was fine, but something happened afterwards…
That’s what’s so great about this piece. The people are real enough to tickle the reader’s imagination.
C- I think the story is perfect and clear as it is. The guy was drunk and he doesn’t know what happenned exactly the previous night…the readers can only know what he knows at this time. His disrespect for the woman – calling her a silly cow – shows how the story would have ended without actually telling it.
Thanks! It’s interesting though, it doesn’t he did anything, but it’s so easy to jump to that conclusion
I really like your idea of a street sweeper and I thought you might tie it in to the terrorists. But this guy was a one man terrorist. I think I really hate men like this. I think it is hard to read all the stories about violence. But the shoe did evoke something bad happening to the person in my mind as well and because of the terrorist attack. I decided to make mine end on a positive note.
Thanks Deborah. Although he obviously wasn’t a very nice man, the story doesn’t say that he did anything particularly wrong. The woman could have been fine when he left her on the pavement – our own minds fill in the blanks
Interesting, personally I think he got a bit rough with the lady and she tried to run leaving her shoe behind.
I think that too. I’m hoping she did get away and only the shoe was left behind, but who knows.
I get the story but for me it is to ambiguous. C- This seems to be a great beginning to a mystery thriller. At this stage thoughthere are so many possibilities such as: that he did something to her, or something happened to her after they separated. It may not even be her shoe. Apart from that I loved the writing but I have been left up in the air wanting more.
Hah! That’s exactly how I like to leave readers! Thanks for your comments Irene – really interesting
Then it worked perfectly Claire. 🙂
I love it, it creeps me out. C- I love the descriptions of the hangover, the semi blackout. I don’t think any changes are necessary. I like it that it’s ‘an object’ that stops the machine, and not ‘a shoe’. The reader knows from the picture that there’s a shoe. The guy will find out when he checks the machine. Then he starts to wonder, what have I done? And we know his attitude towards women. Did she run? Is she dead? Injured? Raped? This is a lot scarier than spelling it all out, IMO.
He definitely has a bad attitude towards women, but he might not have done anything illegal – I’m not sure. Glad it creeped you out!
I don’t know if you changed it or not but it works well for me. Well-crafted and concise and with a loose end the reader can fill in whichever way they want.
I did change it a bit – so that it says that he ran over an object. But glad it works for you.
Another shot is, perhaps, worth taking. Go Richie! Beautifully crafted — I love the wordings. Thank you.
Thanks!
I would say she had a lucky escapee from him but perhaps not. I’d like to think she got home safe. I got my heel wedged in a grate once and had to leave it there!
Hmm, in case you want to know, I read the debris in the grating as an autumn leaf, so was a little stymied by the story. It was only after looking through the comments, that I nipped back to the photo and it all made sense!
Yes, other people have said that it looks like a leaf on first glance. Hard to take account of that in a story that’s about a shoe! 🙂
Wow…….excellent take on this photo! “…that girl. That girl!” love this line. The repetition evokes the thought and then his emotional reaction to remembering. Also like the line “silly cow” as that gives us a hint of his real personality here. And so clever….”At E48 the sweeper”….as the route he takes. This is the stop he usually makes but something jars his machine and his memory here. Really really well done.
On the C side: did you realize you’ve spelled his name differently … Richie at the beginning and Ritchie toward the end? Maybe for effect? Or perhaps not realizing? Might also consider a period after “He’d been sure she was up for it.” For me, that’s such a finality of his personality — his perception, his reading into it. Maybe adds a bit more oomph to the statement. As in….a matter of fact. Yeah, she was up for it.
However, just a minor suggestion because as you can see from above, I really like the story! Very well done!
Thank you for such a thoughtful response to the story – I really appreciate it. I hadn’t noticed I’d spelled his name differently – good spot! And I agree about the period / full stop. Definitely right. I’ll make those changes. (And glad you liked it)
I like how this story unravels from an ordinary working guy with a hangover to something much more sinister. Whether he was responsible for what(if anything) happened to the girl or not, he’s clearly a nasty character.
Not a criticism as such but a typo: Richie becomes Ritchie in the third para.
Glad you liked it! And I hadn’t noticed that name spelling change. Thanks for spotting it.
Ah, a good mystery here! So, it is clear to me that the girl met with a not so good ending. But I was wondering …could it have been Richie?
Thanks. It might not have been Richie, or it might have…
First of all, that hangover is very well depicted.. the furry tongue and the pounding head.. those fragment of memory.. I get a feeling that he feels a little remorse or at least some fear that he me might have done something.. my choice is that the girl still made it home with one shoe.
Thanks, Bjorn. I like to think / hope that too.
Nothing good comes from over-drinking. I love the pace of this one and how we can guess or assume he did something wrong… though he might not have (other than be a prick with a woman).
Definitely a prick, but anything worse – who knows. Glad you liked it, Dale.
😊
I hope it was just her shoe she lost.
Yep, me too.
Well, he swept her off her feet in the end!
100 whimsical words for Friday Fictioneers
Very punny. Or he might have done…
One hopes it was just an object and not, as I suspect, a body. You left me wondering!
I hope not a body. Thanks, Liz.
U liked your story. It was cryptic but in the right sort of way so that we could draw our own conclusions. 🙂
Thanks, Susan!
I think this was the guy that the girl in my story lost…
Hah! I’ll go and look at your story and see if I recognise him…
I love your description of his hangover. And I’m mystified abut what he did to that poor girl who changed her mind! Great story!
Thanks, Lorna. Glad you liked it.
thought it was intriguing, no?
Thanks!
How interesting a NaNo coach, congratulations. I just finished and am so glad it’s done. I loved your story and saw no reason for change. Very descriptive!
Well done! It’s quite an achievement to get to 50,000 words in one month.
I like a bit of ambiguity in a short story – I want to be intrigued. Well done with this one, Claire.
Well done… I hope ‘his memories’ do not include more information about the history of the shoe!
This is terrific. Richie has a dark side – great description of his hangover, and I love the ambiguity you’ve placed there – just what did Richie do??? You and I seem to have thought along similar lines this week.
Thanks Margaret. Glad you liked it.