Yesterday I only said two words: ‘Oneway,’ and ‘thankyou’. Or maybe ‘Oneway’ is two words, so it could be I said three; never was no good at grammar.
This morning on the bus, all the double seats already had people in them, and every one of them people stared out the window as I squeezed past, so as not to catch my eye. I chose an older lady, reminded me of Ma; kind looking. She weren’t though. Huffed and twitched when my leg touched hers, accidental like. Those seats never are big enough.
Only one word today: ‘Sorry.’
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Congratulations to Rochelle Wisoff-Fields for her three year anniversary in leading all us writers around the world in the Friday Fictioneers writing challenge. (Write a 100 word story inspired by a weekly photo, this week supplied by Ron Pruitt.) Click here to join in or here to read others.
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For anyone who’s written a first draft of a novel you might be interested in my blog post about how to revise it – written in conjunction with another writing group I’m in – The Prime Writers.
Could be an extract from the diary of the loneliest man in the world. Though he doesn’t sound much like the kind of guy who would keep a diary. A study in desolation, beautifully executed.
Thanks Sandra. I do feel for this lonely character I’ve created. Not sure where he came from.
Interesting to read from Sandra’s comment and your reply that the narrator is male.
Did I miss something, or did I just apply your gender to the speaker?
That is interesting. I didn’t even notice that I hadn’t specified gender, but in my head he was definitely male. So you didn’t miss anything, so I suppose in your head the narrator was female because I am.
I’m so glad that C.E. said it first. I saw the narrator as female, too. I had the same issue in my last story.
Female for me, too. Interesting.
Doug
Oh, that is interesting as I definitely hear it as male… and for some reason the ‘sorry’ is not said on the bus but after he’s murdered her… amazing how this is both a complete story in it’s own right but instantly generates a fuller one. Clever stuff Claire!
Hah! Murdered her! Where did that come from?? You have an active imagination.
It was all right there in between the lines – your unsaid
I so love that it made you think all that extra stuff.
This is so sad.
Thank you.
A treat, as always.
Thanks, Susan.
How very sad. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take a lot to imagine this is someone’s reality.
I think you might be right. Not good.
I think this is my favourite story of yours – ever. Haunting.
Oh, thank you so much!
I hate having to share a seat. I too have sat alongside some pretty unpleasant people.
Rosey Pinkerton’s blog
Most people don’t like it. But it can be interesting if you use it as an exercise in finding out about someone. Most people want to talk.
Reblogged this on Jackie Cartwright Author/Blogger and commented:
Life can be filled with meaningless words. Claire Fuller chooses hers meticulously!!!
Thanks, Jackie!
This is an excellent way to portray loneliness… not just the narrator, but every one. It doesn’t have to be raining to be depressed (but it helps)
Absolutely. Thanks, Bjorn.
This feels so lonely, it hurts. Beautifully written. And thanks for the link, I’ll certainly check it out.
Thank you, I think! 😉
What did I say? OO
Only that it made you hurt!
Ah, that. It hurts in a good way. Your writing can do that. Pull on these heartstrings. That’s the art… 🙂
Very sad. Whatever your protagonist’s affliction is, there’s no excuse for that sort of behaviour.
It is so easy to judge though, isn’t it? I’m sure I do it, the fat guy, the slow old lady, the teenager with piercings…
Grim.
Ghastly.
Superb.
Thank you!
Dear Claire,
Whether male or female, the narrators voice paints a picture of a lonely person who doesn’t have the best command of the English language. Well written as always.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Thanks, Rochelle. Glad you liked it.
I’ve missed your little vignettes that appear to be so simple, yet say so much.
janet
Thanks, Janet!
Writers sometimes like solitude, just to get some work done.
But if this is a writer, he appears to have a broken spacebar.
Yes, definitely not a writer, just a lonely man.
Poignant and beautifully written. I too thought he was female – but gender really didn’t matter for this story.
Thanks, Susan. I think it’s just about knowing the gender of the author if it isn’t indicated in the prose.
I touched a lady’s leg on a bus once. I got a slap around the chops!
Visit Keith’s Ramblings!
Hah! I guess she wasn’t an old lady…
Hello, Claire! It’s always good when our superstar, award-winning author contributes. Especially because I always enjoy what she writes. See you next week, maybe.
Not sure about those adjectives, surely all FF writers are created equal. But thanks – yes, hope to be here next week – I miss FF when I don’t do it.
Wonderful how your story rides on the number of words the narrator speaks each day. Sad.
Thanks Alicia. Glad you liked it, but it is sad.
Sad commentary on society in so few words. Nicely done!
Thanks, Caerlynn, glad you enjoyed it.
So well written. Shows how society is today… ain’t no room for socialising with the likes of anyone… Funny, I assumed the character was male! (re C.E. and Rochelle above).
Thanks, Dale.
This is wonderful Claire, both the voice and tone you’ve created as well as how you’ve said so much while ostensibly saying so little. This is a great example of narrative restraint. It should be a writing textbook. 🙂
-David
Hah! I’m not sure about that, but thank you.
Well, eventually perhaps. 🙂
His isolation on a full bus is palpable.
Thanks, Tracey.
Also thought it was female. Never mind. One can fill in the blanks: he ran away because of something mother did, he got chased away because of something he did, could be neither, maybe abandoning her to dire circumstances. Possibilities for a fuller (pun realized) story are endless. Well done!
Interpretations are so interesting. In my mind he’s an adult who lived with his mother until perhaps into his thirties or even forties and loved her. Then she died and he is totally alone (and very overweight)
So well told, Claire. You captured not only his loneliness but his resignation as to how others see him.
Thanks, Siobhan.
What a sad, sad story. I loved how you portrayed his increased loneliness by his few spoken words. Brilliant!
Thanks – glad you enjoyed it.
Interesting.
One word, now five.
Thank you. (Two, er or three, or…)
LOL! 🙂
Ah, look at all the lonely people!
Beautifully told tale. He reminds me strangely of Lennie in “Of Mice and Men,” but I’m not sure why.
Oh yes, me too. Glad you liked it.
🙂
I’m very impressed, a clear character and a story in so few words!
Thanks so much Hilary.
Brilliantly written! A great story tells as much inbetween the lines as what is actually said. You navigated that balance perfectly 🙂
Thank you so much. That’s what I try to get in all my writing – what isn’t said.
This feels like home, a very poignant Southern flavor, spare and beautiful. Fangirling big-time.
Ah, that’s nice. I hadn’t really worked out where he was from, but if the South of America works for you, I’m happy.
being a non-native english speaker, i enjoyed the play of words. very nice.
Thank you!
female narrator – and
isn’t it now at least three words today when “sorry” is included?
Randy
No, because the ticket was bought ‘yesterday’ and he / she got on the bus ‘this morning’.
oops! Sorry.
that’s two words today for me. 😉
You have shown this man’s loneliness without telling – in a few words , beautifully.
P.S. I felt that the MC was male, maybe because the woman twitched when there was contact.
Thank you!
Enjoyed your writing. I heard a male narrator. Sad and lonely man. 🙂
Thanks, Susan. Yes, definitely sad and lonely.
Dear Claire,
Your protagonist is flesh and blood, as clearly illustrated as she is ignored or avoided. Your writing teaches us to write while showing us how to be human (or not). I love it.
Yours,
Doug
Thanks so much, Doug. Nice to see you back here.
What an great picture you painted! One can only hope that life will improve for her! Nicely done!!! (not sure why I thought of a “her”… You concealed the gender!
Thank you, I hope so too.
It sounds like it’s going to be a long, uncomfortable bus ride. Nice voice. I’d be interested in reading your post about revising a novel. Thank you!
Thanks, Amy.
Reeks of loneliness. And it could have been such a nice trip for him. Sad…..
Thanks, Irene.
I saw a Mrs. Doubtfire kind of a woman – maybe a lonely older immigrant dressed peculiarly. People on the bus uncomfortable making eye contact with her. 🙁
Lily
A good picture! Thanks for reading, Lily.
I’m touched you compared your story to mine; although honestly mine can’t touch yours.
He is running away somewhere. Possibly from the pages of a new book 😉
Hah – quite possibly. He does seem like an interesting character.
This is great. I love the contrast between his excess of flesh and deficiency of words. What a tragic and fascinating character.
I hadn’t even thought about that, but such a good way of putting it. Thanks, Margaret.