Christopher punched in the code and the door clicked open.
‘This is boring already,’ Jack said.
‘Yeah,’ Miranda said. ‘We should go back to the park.’
‘My Dad has a sofa in his lock-up. It’ll be great.’ Christopher knew he sounded too keen.
‘It’ll be great,’ Jack repeated in a high voice. Miranda laughed.
‘There’s all sorts of stuff we could nick.’
They trailed along behind, Jack dragging his lighter along the corrugated walls and Miranda hanging off his neck.
‘Number 229.’ Christopher unlocked it and rolled the shutter up.
They stared into the unit, mouths open, silent, until Miranda screamed.
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This is Friday Fictioneers flash fiction. Picture supplied by Amy Reese. Join in, or read others. I’d love to know what you think of mine.
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Goodreads is currently hosting a giveaway for my second novel, Swimming Lessons. You can win one of 30 copies if you enter before this coming Saturday. Sorry, but it is only for people in the US. Click here to enter.
I love it.
Amazing detail for so few words, I could see the youngsters vividly.
Shame you no longer do a reading, I liked your ‘awfully English’ voice!
Glad you liked it. I was in a bit of a rush yesterday morning – hence no recording. I will get back to it!
Dear Claire,
Sounds like there was more than stored belongings in that bay. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
Yes, definitely. Although I’m not sure what…
Beautiful things
Cold storage? 🙂
Hah! Could be.
My mind is imagining all sorts! (and not liquorice ones).
The reader’s imagination is always going to be so much worse than anything I could write!
Mine is!
Always that sting in the tale…
It’s hard to resist.
Lovely story that packs a punch 🙂
Thanks, Graham!
This is an amazing story… so chilling, and so real. I cannot cease to think what will happen behind that scream…
Thanks Bjorn. I have no idea what’s in there.
I’m scared! 😉 I think we might be a bit on the same wavelength this week.
Nicely done.
Hah! Thanks. I’m a bit late with reading everyone else’s but will go an take a look now.
Ooh the innocence and the carefree attitudes of the children jump off the screen. Well written!
Thank you!
Good and creepy!
Thanks!
Spoooky! Love it!
Thank you!
A great atmosphere in so few words. Chilling build up and leaving us wondering what the hell is going on – in a good way. My mind is racing, wondering what Christopher stored in that lock up. Great stuff, Claire
I’m pleased you said that, because I also tried to make sure it was unclear whether Christopher knew what was in there, or whether it was a surprise for him too.
It worked beautifully. A really greta piece
Great sense about these relationships for such a short passage. I loved the part where Jack repeated the words back. And a nice mystery hook at the end. What could it be? I’m guessing something bloody and awful, probably a dead body. But whose? Stay tuned for the next episode, I hope?
Thanks Joy. I have no idea what’s in there. And I think I might leave it at that – no next episode, except in your head.
There’s always a weird new episode happening in my head, so that works for me. 😉
oooooo!! What did they see…what happened….MUST know 🙂 🙂 🙂
But I don’t know! I think your imagination is likely to be wilder than anything I could write…
Really powerful 100 words 🙂
Delightfully creepy at the end there. I found it hard to work out the ages of the players to begin with – at first I thought it was Dad dragging bored kids away from the park – and then later to figure out what they were doing there – a sofa for what? The ages could perhaps be clearer if the lighter and “hanging off his neck” line came earlier – just a suggestion.
Thanks Jen. All really good points. I’ll take another look.
To be continued? I hope so, now I want more.
No, sorry. One episode only.
Chilling and intriguing. Self storage? The mind boggles!
Hah! Exactly. Could be gruesome…
That’s a real cliffhanger, Claire. It’s self-storage so I wonder if he stored a body in there. Great mystery/horror story. 🙂 — Suzanne
Wonderful suspense.
Thank you!
So much information in so few words. Loved it!
I guess they found where the bodies are stacked… 😉 Excellent ending! I love how you set the scene with precise details added at just the right moments. Minimalism at its best!
Thanks so much, Melinda
I’m ready to scream, too!
Lily
Hah! Thanks
Sounds like the start of a Law and Order episode!
Ooh, I don’t know that. It is a television programme?
Yes; very good show.
‘Chapter 2: The detectives stared at what the kids had found in the storage unit…’ Excellent setup and cliffhanger.
Exactly…or not. Thanks Iain.
You painted the picture of the teenagers well with very few words. I always appreciate the chance to finish the story in my mind.
Thank you!
Images of the storage unit scene from Silence of the Lambs flipped through my mind. Well done! 🙂
I had that in mind too when I was writing it. Thanks!
I see a dead body. Oh, I hope it’s not a dead body. Great set up, Claire. I like the lighter on the corrugated walls detail. You kind of want to do that with these walls. 🙂
I think I might see something worse…
And there certainly could be worse…
Great build up and a great job of leaving the reader hanging. Now we have to surmise and invent the rest ourselves. Well done. (Unless of course it’s same time,same channel, next week.) 🙂
No, I don’t think it will be. I like the idea of readers having to invent the rest
Now I want to know what happened next. Exceptional description of the scene.
Me too! Thanks Honie
Oh blimey, yes I kind of expected something like this at the end, with the innocence building up the suspense at the start. So, what’s inside?!
I love this, especially the characters and their interactions. I’m awed how you flesh them out in so few words. And after the scream–could go anywhere.
Thanks, glad you liked it.
Very nice work Clair 🙂 if you have a second check out some of my short stories as well! Take care