Faded paper drooped from the walls like slouching down-and-outs, and a mattress curled up in a corner, ashamed of its stained nakedness. Flora held her breath – not from the stench – but from the idea that Ingrid might once have slept here, under the old newspapers; their corners flapping from the broken window’s breeze.
She kicked at a pile of dirty clothes, refusing to believe what the police had told her and the evidence in her pocket. The rags shifted, moaned. Flora jumped, put her hand to her mouth.
‘Ingrid?’ she said.
But the sunken-cheeked face that peered out at her was a man’s.
*
For those who don’t know how Friday Fictioneers works, this picture (this time supplied by Mary Shipman) is our inspiration for our weekly online writing group hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields. Each story is only about 100 words long, so why not read a few others: click here to read some more or to join in.
And please comment below with any suggestions on mine, or just to show you’ve visited.
So many creepy stories this week. I hope Flora doesn’t meet the same fate as Ingrid.
One question: “what the police had her”…English is not my first language, so I am not sure if this part should be “what the police had told her”?
You’re right – thanks for pointing that out. Corrected!
Some great scene setting here Claire, I felt I was there. I think the word ‘told’ is missing. Good stuff!
Thanks Sandra. The commenter before you spotted that at the same time. Now corrected. Thanks for reading.
Claire
What was in the pocket I wonder? Great story.
I’m not sure! But thanks for reading and commenting.
I have one suggestion for you, and it’s kind of a big one, because your story just, well…
NEEDS TO BE FINISHED!!!!! 🙂
This was wildly suspenseful, but so gently written, and I desperately want to know what happens next, as well as what happened before!
Aww, thanks! I’d better get thinking, because I’m not sure. Who’s the man and is he important? I really don’t know.
There’s such a feeling of longing and loss in this piece – well done.
My only suggestion is that the last sentence breaks the rhythm.. Maybe something like “The sunken-cheeked face peering out was a man’s.” (Or ignore me.)
That’s a good suggestion. Maybe it would work better simply without the ‘at her’. Afterall we know who he’s looking at.
I’ll have a go! Thanks.
Rex get’s everywhere. What’s he done to Ingrid? I need to know more.
Rex as a tramp? Something really bad must have happened to him to bring him to this place. I’m sure I left him safely tucked up in his bed at home…
I read a the untold part of drug-abuse.. and being lost to the world.. a mother rushing through squats looking for her daughter…
In a weird way, I thought it might be the opposite – the child looking for the mother, although that was just in my head – I didn’t write that into the piece.
Thanks for reading Bjorn.
I want to scream, “Run Flora RUN!” This one captured me quickly. I enjoyed the twist at the end. Didn’t see it coming!
Thanks, glad you liked it.
Claire
I love the suspense and open ends in this story. You’re so talented with your unique descriptions in setting the scenes!
Thanks, glad you liked it.
Claire
The hollow wall echos in melancholy of the story !
Ah, I should have used that line! Thanks for reading.
Claire
Powerful details and the haunting opening to a dark story. I want to know who the man is …and are he cheeks sunken in because he is on his way to the same fate as Ingrid? Well told :))
Thanks Jo-Anne. Trouble is, I don’t know who the man is either.
I was standing in that room, and kicking the debri. Well told.
So it’s you we should blame for all that mess! Tut tut.
Claire
I hope she finds Ingrid. Clean and sober, maybe? That squat seems like a real slum!
I think Ingrid might be hiding out amongst the junkies for another reason.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Claire
Really good touching one. I found I was thinking ahead at each sentence and you always turned in a different direction, surprising me.
Thanks, Hilary. Glad you like it.
Claire
Wow, this is a powerful story, Claire. The imagery is vivid and builds the squalor of the situation to a horrific point where it becomes man. Brilliant!
Thanks for reading and commenting Karen. Glad you liked it.
Claire
This reads like you hit a vein that could just keep going. What I took away from this – and there can be so many takes with 100 words – is some sort of companionship formed. Who is that man? He doesn’t scare me – just mysterious. Very well written piece, Claire.
Till next time…
Ellespeth
Yes, I don’t know who the man is. I agree, he isn’t threatening, but I don’t know what happens next…
Claire
Brilliant. I loved the mattress ashamed of its nakedness – a very vivid description. I love your writing, Claire, and always look forward to reading your Friday Fiction. (I’ll be first in line to get your book when it comes out too!)
Aww, thanks so much. Glad you liked this, and my writing in general.
Claire
Claire, Well written once again. I agree that the thorough description took me to the scene. The man didn’t seem threatening, just mysterious. I feel that he’s there for a purpose. I also agree that this would be a great beginning for a longer story. 🙂 —Susan
Thanks Patricia. Ingrid and Flora are in my second book, but I don’t really know what they’re doing in the squat, that came as a bit of a surprise for me.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Claire
The awfulness of the setting was perfectly portrayed – and then to put a loved one into that setting – and then to learn she had died there. The man at the end served the purpose of allowing Flora a moment of hope, only to have it shattered. Well done! It didn’t need any more story for me 🙂
Really well written, your use of language was beautiful, and suspenseful. I like the open ending.
Stunning! This is gorgeous, Claire. Is it part of a longer story, or just for FF? It seems so big and wonderful…. the scene set here is fabulous, the character jumps out at me… I hope there’s more! Truly stunning.
Thanks so much – what a lovely thing to say. Flora and Ingrid are characters in my second book, but I’m not sure that this scene quite fits in at the moment. I’ll have to see as I go along.
I’m already hooked. 😉
Dear Claire, Great story! You write a good tale. Thanks! Nan 🙂